8 Signs You're People Pleaser

What if the niceness you show to others actually comes at the expense of your own happiness and wellbeing?

Apr 18, 2022

What if the niceness you show to others actually comes at the expense of your own happiness and wellbeing?

Do you think of yourself as a nice person? What do you think it is that makes someone nice? Some might say humility, patience, and consideration, while others might say it's generosity, empathy, and forgiveness. The bottom line is a lot of it has to do with how you treat other people. But what about how you treat yourself?

What if the niceness you show to others actually comes at the expense of your own happiness and wellbeing? Some people might try to take advantage of those positive qualities and use your good nature against you. Worst of all is you might just let them because you think that's what nice people do. So with that said, here are eight signs that you're not nice, but actually a people pleaser.

Number one, you tend to over apologize.

Has anyone ever said to you that you say sorry too much? Do you often find yourself apologizing for things that aren't even your fault or in your control? While it's certainly an admirable quality to be able to own up to your mistakes and take accountability for the things you've done wrong, it's also important that you are able to distinguish between humility and self-blame. When you apologize over and over again when there's no reason to, or struggle with excessive feelings of guilt, then it's most likely that you've started to confuse being nice with being a people pleaser.

Number two, you find it hard to say no.

Just like knowing when to apologize, many of us were taught at a young age that it's always good to be helpful and generous towards others. What you should also keep in mind, however, is that it's also important to prioritize your own needs and to establish healthy boundaries by learning when to say no. So if you're someone who struggles to turn down even the most ridiculous of favors, simply out of fear of hurting other people's feelings or letting them down, then there's a good chance you're probably a people pleaser.

Number three, you agree with everyone.

Think back to the last time someone had asked you for your opinion. Did you answer honestly, even when you knew they wouldn't agree or it would go against what other people believed in? Or do you tend to just listen politely to those around you and keep your thoughts to yourself no matter how much you disagree with them? While it's certainly polite not to criticize people for things that aren't any of our business, such as their looks, their weight, and so on, it is good and important to speak your mind when it comes to the things you really believe in, which brings us to our next point.

Number four, you change to better accommodate others.

Do you hide certain parts of yourself when you're with people? Truth be told. Many of us have probably felt the pressure to conform and change some aspect of ourselves to seem more desirable to others, Be it in a romantic context, like to impress your crush, or in a social context such as to act a certain way to fit in with the popular kids or to please your parents. But the moment you start to lose sight of yourself and change too much of who you are just to please the people in your life, you're inadvertently telling yourself that their happiness matters more than yours.

Number five, you feel uncomfortable with conflict.

Are you always wondering whether someone is upset with you or not? Perhaps you can't stand the thought of anyone, even total strangers, being mad at you, even for the things you know you're completely justified in. A sign that you may be a people pleaser is if you're always choosing to give in and apologize rather than stand up for yourself and what you think is right because you don't know how or don't want to deal with conflict. In fact, you may even go to great lengths bending over backward just to avoid it.

Number six, you take responsibility for other people's feelings.

Empathy can be a very beautiful thing, and the ability to put yourself in other people's shoes is how you're able to understand and connect with them deeply. But be careful. Remember that you're not responsible for other people's feelings and that it's not up to you to fulfill their emotional needs. Don't make the mistake of doing so just because you think it's the nice thing to do. It'll only leave you frustrated, stressed out, and emotionally drained.

Number seven, you constantly seek external validation.

Are you always looking for some kind of approval from people around you? Maybe you never feel good about your accomplishments until you receive praise from other people. Or perhaps you need kind words and appreciation to affirm your self-esteem and will go to great lengths just to get it. But seeking too much external validation and defining yourself entirely by how others see you can be problematic and self-destructive. After all, you're going to have to learn sooner or later that you can't please everybody and that you can only make yourself truly happy.

Number eight, you don't speak up when your feelings are hurt.

Last but certainly not least, being too much of a people pleaser to speak up when other people hurt your feelings because you think it's not their problem or that it might upset them is as clear a sign as any, that what you're actually doing isn't being nice but that you're being unfair to yourself just to make other people happy. In time, if you continue to keep it up, you may end up finding that it'll keep you from forming authentic and mutually satisfying relationships.